More than one parent has told me they feel that "the damage is already done" when they look at their child's behaviors. This painful feeling is one I know personally. It is that "It's too late" feeling of despair and guilt. The problem is, if we remain in this constricted space of fear and anxiety, when we look at our child, we see damaged goods! Then, our only option is to try to "fix" our child.
When we see our child as "broken," it blocks us from the deep connection we long for. What is needed is a shift from fear ("It's too late") and control ("My child needs to be fixed") to love (you are perfect as you are,") and relationship ("I am available to connect with you.")
How do we do this? We start by recognizing that our first job as parents is to acknowledge and soothe our own feelings of fear and anxiety, not look to our children to do that. I know this can be challenging, but it this is how we begin to influence our children's behaviors - by making ourselves available to connect with our child. It's like they tell you on an airplane: Parents should put their mask on first in order to best help their child. Once we feel calm, we are able to see our child differently and be in a better place to help our child.
How do we do this? We start by recognizing that our first job as parents is to acknowledge and soothe our own feelings of fear and anxiety, not look to our children to do that. I know this can be challenging, but it this is how we begin to influence our children's behaviors - by making ourselves available to connect with our child. It's like they tell you on an airplane: Parents should put their mask on first in order to best help their child. Once we feel calm, we are able to see our child differently and be in a better place to help our child.
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