22 Year Old In My Lap

Something happened yesterday that made me feel so good about myself as a mom and so happy about my connection with my child that I just had to share it with you.

My 22 yr old came home looking a bit down. I asked him how his day was and he answered, "It was alright" in a way that didn't sound so alright. Trying to find out more, I responded with, "that sounds like you're alright in a not so alright way." After a bit he said, "It was just a long day." I didn't buy it.

At this point I wanted to reach out, by I had some of the same thoughts you might have had like: I don't know how to get him to talk to me; I don't know what to say; I don't want to be too pushy; It's too hard. I even had some feelings of being afraid I'd be rejected or not able to handle whatever it was. Nevertheless, I pulled up a chair, sat down and waited. (And even took a few deep breaths!)

I've learned the hard way that talking less or not at all is a much better invitation for a child to open up than pushing to find out what's wrong. My first unspoken clue to stay was that my kid didn't leave - so obvious, yet I almost missed it. Translation: "I want to be with you, mom." Slowly he began to talk a bit. As I listened, more came out.

I felt a bit awkward and uncomfortable at times both in saying nothing and trying to say the "right" thing. But that was ok. I didn't do it perfectly but I stayed! Being aware of my own feelings and as present as I could be to my child created the space for him to open up to me.

He became emotional, pulled his knees up under him on the chair and tucked his head down. As I looked at him, my perception shifted and the image was unmistakable - my child was curled up like a baby in the chair! I realized that here was the exact thing I'm always teaching parents about emotional age in times of stress - When we stress, we regress!"

I moved a little closer and took his hand. He let me (a clue I was on the right track.) I took baby steps to connect to that young age. My mommy heart was saying," I just want to take him in my lap and hold him!" My head was saying, "He's 22, he won't want that."

Despite my own hesitation, I wasn't feeling any resistance from my child, so I pulled gently and he came willingly out of his chair and right on to my lap, laying his head on my shoulder while I wrapped my arms around him -amazing. I held him in my lap, breathing and felt the rightness of it in my heart, knowing it was connection that was needed, not words.

A few minutes later he said, I'm thirsty and he got up to get a drink. He returned to his own chair able to tell me more about what was up.

I wanted to share this powerful experience with you because it shows how our children guide us to what they really need when we are able to translate what they are "saying." Awareness of the emotional age of my child has given me deeper connection with my child and helped him become more responsible and independent. What could be better?

If you're feeling frustrated and want to learn more about speaking your child's language, pick up your complimentary bonus report,"The 3 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make When Trying To Get Through To Their Child." by putting your name and email in the box at the top of this page.

Then, treat yourself to an individualized strategy session on me by emailing me today at kwhithamrn@gmail.com.

Emotional Fitness is Important Too

Just like physical fitness, emotional fitness is crucial to our health and well being. As busy parents, self-care often comes last after taking care of everyone else. In fact, the best way to take care of your child is to take care of yourself first! It makes our children feel safer and more secure when they see us taking care of ourselves and frees them to move forward in their own lives rather that feeling like they need to take care of us.

As a dancer, Yogini and personal trainer, I am experienced at practicing the three elements of physical fitness: Aerobics, strength training, and flexibility. These same three elements apply to emotional fitness. Therefore, to become emotionally fit, we need to pay attention to all three.

This month's tip shows you how self-care can increase your FLEXIBILITY and help you "bend over backwards with ease. The dictionary defines flexible as, “responsive to change; adaptable.” When we are flexible physically, our muscles are pliable and stretched out rather than tight and stiff. We can move more easily and feel lighter and freer.

When we are flexible emotionally we are able to stay calm in the midst of the inevitable daily stresses that come our way. This allows us to have more patience and be more present with our kids and even handle unexpected surprises better.

A DEFINITION: WINDOW OF TOLERANCE = how much stress you can handle before getting stressed out or "losing it" ie: become dysregulated. This varies widely between people and even within a person at different times.

Hot tip: Increase your emotional flexibility by expanding your window of tolerance.

How? By taking fabulous care of yourself. Self-care is the key to expanding your window of tolerance. It helps in two ways.

1. It decreases stress and removes the stuff that doesn't need to be taking up space. This makes more room in your window of tolerance.
2. It actually makes your window bigger so it can hold more stress.

Some of my favorite ways to take care of myself and get more flexible

• Submerge myself in a hot bath with essential oils
• Take a mid-day break and walk to my favorite café for a cappuccino
• Yoga class
• Be in nature
• Eat some organic free trade dark chocolate with almonds
• Stop listening to others complain
• Share a hug with someone I love
• Get or give myself a pedicure and foot massage

Your assignment: Start with one baby step. Make a list of 10 things you could do (or stop doing) to take better care of yourself right away. Think in terms of physically, emotionally and spiritually. Now pick ONE of them, as a matter of fact pick the easiest one, decide how many times you will do it this week and make a commitment to yourself to do it. You are worth it.

Then, please comment about what you did. Let’s make a big list together!

When Your Child Is In Charge

When our children talk back, have an attitude or act like they are in charge by being demanding or defiant, it is easy as a parent to want to prove we are the adult and to demand respect by attempting to control our child’s behavior. Often we resort to threatening, punishing or demanding that our child may not speak to us “like that!” It’s an “I’ll show you who’s boss” approach.

It’s ironic then, that in our attempt to be the adult from this authoritarian place, we are in a strange way actually giving more power to our child. We are reacting to the situation as if it’s a battle between us and our child. The only option that leaves us is to WIN.

A key misunderstanding in this approach is our interpretation that our child's behavior is something they are doing TO us. Taking this a step further, it defines our "adultness" by our ability to control our child and makes the child our reference point.

I agree that we need to be the adult with our children, and that children need to learn respect. The real question is HOW we are to be the adult. Sometimes we attribute to young children a deliberate desire to be in charge, as if that could actually feel secure to them. If you think about that rationally it’s a little crazy, isn’t it? What I am asking you to try on is this idea: We, as parents, step into our adultness by modeling leadership rather than needing to win. We step into being the adult when we take responsibility as the adult for our children by understanding that when our children are trying to be in charge, what they are craving and what they need is leadership, not control.

We begin to model leadership by learning to manage our own reactivity when our children push our buttons: to pause, breath, notice how we feel and then respond with presence and lead our children to the feeling of safety and connection they need and can't get to on their own in that moment.

Thanks for Staying With Me!

The other day I had a big melt down. I felt completely overwhelmed with running my business and was too stressed out to just stop what I was trying to do and get myself to yoga, my biggest self care activity. I was upset and crying. My husband came in to try to comfort me but I pushed him away. He didn't go far, a few steps into the hall. Then I went toward him again trying to appreciate his comfort. I didn't really want him to go away, but I couldn't receive his comfort either. Lucky for me he didn't take it personally!

It's a push pull pattern that's deeply ingrained in my brain from a very young age. It has something to do with comfort being tied to needing to make the comforter feel better and the comforter trying to fix my feelings rather than being able to tolerate them. Mom was doing the best she could at the time, with no lack of love, but my point is that our relationship patterns are established in the very early years of our life, in part before we even have words. So, for me, one way my mode of operating in relationships is this push pull. I get caught up in it and it is NOT DELIBERATE.

My husband let me rant for a while about how there was no way I would ever be enough and he didn't contradict me to try to make me feel better i.e. invalidate what I was feeling, he just stayed calm and present and offered to drive me to yoga (because I was so upset I was going to make myself miss the thing I really needed to get regulated again.) He supported me in a practical way. without offering advice or asking anything of me and eventually (after ranting all the way in the car and even heading off to yoga still in tears,) I came to realize that all was not hopeless (Yes, stress causes confused and distorted thinking!)

It really mattered to me that my husband was there giving me just enough space for my comfort but staying connected and taking action in my behalf. I couldn't help but wonder how I would have felt if he treated me the way we are told to treat our children when they are resistant or acting out. What if he had told me to go in my room until I calmed down. And then to think about how I was treating him and apologize for pushing him away. My heart clutches just thinking about that. I can only imagine in the state I was in I would have sunk even deeper into despair, felt really alone, and then gotten more out of touch with my feelings and my needs. My relationship with my husband would not have grown stronger, with the possibility of greater connection. Instead, I would have felt more isolated and rejected and disconnected.

My husband modeled for me that day some really great “parenting.” Through that experience and writing about it, I have gained a much greater understanding of how we as parents unwittingly sabotage the very relationship and connection we want to have with our children more than anything else.

Do You Ever Feel The Damage Is Already Done?

More than one parent has told me they feel that "the damage is already done" when they look at their child's behaviors. This painful feeling is one I know personally. It is that "It's too late" feeling of despair and guilt. The problem is, if we remain in this constricted space of fear and anxiety, when we look at our child, we see damaged goods! Then, our only option is to try to "fix" our child.

When we see our child as "broken," it blocks us from the deep connection we long for. What is needed is a shift from fear ("It's too late") and control ("My child needs to be fixed") to love (you are perfect as you are,") and relationship ("I am available to connect with you.")

How do we do this? We start by recognizing that our first job as parents is to acknowledge and soothe our own feelings of fear and anxiety, not look to our children to do that. I know this can be challenging, but it this is how we begin to influence our children's behaviors - by making ourselves available to connect with our child. It's like they tell you on an airplane: Parents should put their mask on first in order to best help their child. Once we feel calm, we are able to see our child differently and be in a better place to help our child.