Thanks for Staying With Me!

The other day I had a big melt down. I felt completely overwhelmed with running my business and was too stressed out to just stop what I was trying to do and get myself to yoga, my biggest self care activity. I was upset and crying. My husband came in to try to comfort me but I pushed him away. He didn't go far, a few steps into the hall. Then I went toward him again trying to appreciate his comfort. I didn't really want him to go away, but I couldn't receive his comfort either. Lucky for me he didn't take it personally!

It's a push pull pattern that's deeply ingrained in my brain from a very young age. It has something to do with comfort being tied to needing to make the comforter feel better and the comforter trying to fix my feelings rather than being able to tolerate them. Mom was doing the best she could at the time, with no lack of love, but my point is that our relationship patterns are established in the very early years of our life, in part before we even have words. So, for me, one way my mode of operating in relationships is this push pull. I get caught up in it and it is NOT DELIBERATE.

My husband let me rant for a while about how there was no way I would ever be enough and he didn't contradict me to try to make me feel better i.e. invalidate what I was feeling, he just stayed calm and present and offered to drive me to yoga (because I was so upset I was going to make myself miss the thing I really needed to get regulated again.) He supported me in a practical way. without offering advice or asking anything of me and eventually (after ranting all the way in the car and even heading off to yoga still in tears,) I came to realize that all was not hopeless (Yes, stress causes confused and distorted thinking!)

It really mattered to me that my husband was there giving me just enough space for my comfort but staying connected and taking action in my behalf. I couldn't help but wonder how I would have felt if he treated me the way we are told to treat our children when they are resistant or acting out. What if he had told me to go in my room until I calmed down. And then to think about how I was treating him and apologize for pushing him away. My heart clutches just thinking about that. I can only imagine in the state I was in I would have sunk even deeper into despair, felt really alone, and then gotten more out of touch with my feelings and my needs. My relationship with my husband would not have grown stronger, with the possibility of greater connection. Instead, I would have felt more isolated and rejected and disconnected.

My husband modeled for me that day some really great “parenting.” Through that experience and writing about it, I have gained a much greater understanding of how we as parents unwittingly sabotage the very relationship and connection we want to have with our children more than anything else.

Do You Ever Feel The Damage Is Already Done?

More than one parent has told me they feel that "the damage is already done" when they look at their child's behaviors. This painful feeling is one I know personally. It is that "It's too late" feeling of despair and guilt. The problem is, if we remain in this constricted space of fear and anxiety, when we look at our child, we see damaged goods! Then, our only option is to try to "fix" our child.

When we see our child as "broken," it blocks us from the deep connection we long for. What is needed is a shift from fear ("It's too late") and control ("My child needs to be fixed") to love (you are perfect as you are,") and relationship ("I am available to connect with you.")

How do we do this? We start by recognizing that our first job as parents is to acknowledge and soothe our own feelings of fear and anxiety, not look to our children to do that. I know this can be challenging, but it this is how we begin to influence our children's behaviors - by making ourselves available to connect with our child. It's like they tell you on an airplane: Parents should put their mask on first in order to best help their child. Once we feel calm, we are able to see our child differently and be in a better place to help our child.